I really saw what a connection the blogging world can bring to a reader in October of 2012.
Note: To put this post into context, please read the previous post: “What Blogging Means to Me”.
Pretty specific memory of something rather insignificant, right?
I had just found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic and a little surprised as just a few months earlier my husband and I decided to let nature take it course and see what would happen. But we were also in the process of moving out of our sweet (but very little) bungalow we rented and into a home we bought in a “bedroom community”, so this timing couldn’t have been more perfect.
We found out a couple days before my parents were stopping through on their way home from a vacation to visit. It also happened to be both of their birthdays that month so to surprise them with the big news, we got “Happy Birthday Grandma and Grandpa” cards. This was the first grandchild and their reactions upon opening the cards was priceless. My mom immediately wanted to go pick something out for the baby so we went to a local boutique, which happened to be one of the fanciest in town, and bought the only thing we could afford from there: a nursing cover and matching burp cloth. But boy, was I happy to bring those home to start baby’s collection.
Not even a week later, I mentioned to my husband that I just didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel like, as I had never been pregnant before, but now I look back and think it was mother’s intuition. At the time, I chocked it up to still being surprised that it all happened so quickly. But a few days after that, we lost the baby.
I had and to this day have never felt the emotional pain like I did then. This baby was already so alive and real to us. It was and is still considered our first baby. At the time, I hadn’t known anyone who had gone through this. None of my friends had started trying for kids yet and my mom had three kids with no problem, with two of them being “surprises”.
I didn’t know where to turn so I started googling. When I did, I found a big community of women sharing their stories. It made me feel so much less alone and also a bit encouraged. A lot of these women went on to share that they had successful pregnancies which gave me hope in a situation I felt was so bleak.
I’d like to say that we got pregnant again quickly thereafter with no problem, but that wasn’t the case. Month after month we felt the pain again, just as real as we had the first time. Countless doctor’s visits, reading books and researching to try and figure out what was going on, hearing things like “your body can’t support a pregnancy right now”, all followed that horrible October day. And each time I felt like giving up, like it wasn’t in the cards for us, I found another blog with an inspiring story.
These courageous women were brave enough to share their story in such a public way and I realized I could barely tell my friends what happened. I wanted to be like the women bloggers and make sure that if, God forbid, any of my friends have to go through the same thing, they know that I have been there and can understand the pain they are experiencing. So I started to share my story with my small circle.
About a month after I started this blog, I found out we were expecting again. Ecstatic doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion my husband and I felt staring at that stick. We cried because we were happy, we cried because we were relieved, and we also cried because we were scared. We had been here before.
As the first trimester ended and I could half sigh with a little relief, I had so many ideas on how I wanted to incorporate my pregnancy into the blog. We now live in a time where pregnant bellies are celebrated and don’t need to hide behind oversized muumuus and Peter Pan collars. I had fun dressing my bump, but no matter how many times it crossed my mind I couldn’t put it on the blog. What if something were to happen again? I had a hard enough time getting through the loss in a private way, I couldn’t even fathom doing it so publicly.
So I just stopped blogging. And when our healthy and vibrant baby girl was born in May and shortly thereafter I wanted to start blogging again, I kind of felt like a fraud. How do I just pick up where I left off when I had this major life change and didn’t share any of it with my readers? What if I could be that sweet glass of lemonade when all someone can taste is the sourness of life, like all those other women were to me?
And that got me to here. I want this to be one of the blogs that a woman stumbles upon in one of her lowest lows, and finds a ray of sunshine, a rainbow baby story. Because this blog isn’t only here to inspire women how to look and feel good from the outside, but I also want this blog to support and encourage women in all situations it can.